Finally, its university! After counting down, it’s here at long last!! That’s how most of us feel when we enter the university. Well, I was no different – maybe slightly nostalgic at the thought of being so far from home but other than that, I was great!!!
I had my reasons – I didn’t want a boyfriend. Part of it was due to the fact that I didn’t want to have sex with anyone until marriage, another part just used it as a defence mechanism because I didn’t feel pretty enough so the boys won’t have asked me out. The last part was just scared of ruining relationships – friendships with people especially if we broke up and with God as well. Then I met him – tall, charming, gentle and nice – every girl’s dream. Pause. Almost every girl’s dream. It was my birthday and all my friends forgot so I was with a course mate who took me to his room and somehow he figured out it was my birthday – that’s how we started. I know it’s strange but I had never had a first kiss and as cliché as this sounds, I wanted all the frills attached to it like in the movies. It was valentine’s eve, a while after my birthday, and we were talking in front of my room about all the boyfriend/girlfriend drama going on around us and then he bent to kiss me. I didn’t know whether to be sad or mad that my kiss had been stolen from me or to be happy that he actually saw someone he wanted to kiss and the kiss wasn’t so bad. So I pulled back first and not knowing what I was doing I unlocked the door and we went in. I kissed him proper then but then his hands were going to all the wrong places so I stopped him and we just lay there. Then he left. That was the beginning – the beginning of my experiment.
There were a few guys after him – nothing happened past kissing and minor smooching but I was getting curious. Something always stopped me though. He and I had a few more episodes with him trying to go a little further every time and me letting him and then stopping him. Eventually, I told him that whatever that ‘thing’ was, it had to end. We weren’t officially going out and I didn’t want to be the object of anyone’s discussion. I guess some would say my pride saved me there. Oh yeah I forgot to say that after our first kiss, he asked me for money the next day – told me not to tell anyone and that it was between both of us. I nicely declined and walked out! I mean … C’mon!
Mr Next Right came along. We just teased each other a lot and that was it until the night I was alone in my room and he ‘decided’ to come keep me company. He kissed me and I kissed him back. He was such a great kisser and I started to really like him. We talked about everything – from our education to our families to our dreams to our futures (as individuals not as a couple) but there were no strings attached and quite frankly I didn’t mind dating him though I might have said no if he asked.
Before I go too far, I forgot an important person in between – the friend of a friend. He was a cool and intelligent person but he was very raw and it sort of excited me because it was something I felt was ‘safe’. I wasn’t doing anything but I was getting the ‘experience’ I thought I wanted. It became annoying because it was like every conversation then had a sexual undertone and I wasn’t comfortable with it but he felt it was no big deal and so we just stopped talking – different paces resulted in different pages.
Now back to my chunky hunk. He was eye candy – still is – really cute, very comfortable and buff! Did I mention smart and funny too? I think I still like him but I just can’t date him because of the parameters I’ve set for myself now. I was firmer with him but I still wanted it – I wanted him to fight me and kiss me, I wanted him to tickle me and hold my hands back from blocking his kisses – just like the movies. He really was perfect. He didn’t pretend about anything. He told me when something I wore made him have thoughts I said he shouldn’t entertain and I left to change just for his sake and things like that. It was seemingly perfect but I made another mistake. We were both home skyping and I guess we should have stopped when my nightie came in because eventually one thing led to another but my laptop went off for some reason before it could get out of hand. Still thinking I’m just lucky?
My current love – he understands me, says he loves me, people say we have feelings for each other when they see us together. Now, it’s either he’s faking it so well or he really loves me but from experience and people’s stories I can’t risk my heart again. I decided not to even consider marriage – maybe adopt a kid or two – who knows? Recently I feel like I’ve been bugging him so much I’ve probably scared him away. Oh well!
Well, because of this fear, I basically sort of ‘friend-zoned’ this love of mine. I spoke to a friend and it came out about the marriage thing and he said I should give relationships a try – a proper relationship. About a week later, a really nice, smart guy asks me out and I began to think of everything that could go wrong but then my friend’s words come back to me and I decide to say yes.
Bad timing! I picked the worst time to stop over thinking things because a few days later, I could see everything that was going wrong. The way it started was that I was asleep, he was in my bed and he kissed me. I kissed him back before I realised what I was doing – my roommate told a friend and I that day that they were going out! I didn’t say anything about it until the next day and he said it was just me he ever did that with and that he’d sort it out. Sorting it out was just a joke – He was with her on her bed, laughing and all and I decided there and then NOT to take him serious.
Trust guys though! He apologised, made a very public display of love and then I was ready to try. Fast forward a few days and I began to question my decision but chose to stick to it because it felt too early to conclude. Long and short of it, I ended it after about a month and he said he was cool with it. Then all of a sudden, he starts calling and ‘checking on me’ but I didn’t see the big deal until he announces at a party of mutual friends that we are an item. I was shocked!
I told him again after the party that we should tow the friend line and see what happens and again he says he’s cool with it. So in my head, we’re friends again – In his, I just spoke crap! One thing I hate is when people don’t listen to me but I didn’t know this yet – that he wasn’t listening that is. After a while, he started acting all loving and boyfriend like again. We didn’t kiss or anything but it was just a possession kind of relationship. I decided to ignore and endure but he took me for granted. I wasn’t as upset with him as I was angry with myself. I made a decision I should have stood by. I had the prompting to change directions and go back but I still struggled to stay and then at that point I had practically wasted about 3 months of my life that I’d never get back. I learnt a lot – about patience and tolerance but it was a relationship leading nowhere plus I felt he liked the other girl all along so I shouldn’t have been selfish. I should have just let go!
So I’m back to my original state of singleness, still in love with my love I think but I so won’t tell him. If he’s not genuine, he’ll take advantage of me but I believe he is and that’s even scarier. He knows how silly my decisions can be yet he still wants my opinion on issues, he knows the difference between my “I’m fine”s, he knows just how to make me smile at every point in time – He’s simply amazing!
Right now though, I have to sort myself out. It’s me, my God and I. If that union’s not perfect then I’m not introducing anyone into the mix. After all I am a new creation, I’m not dating till I’m ready for marriage. I’m a new being and I’m not soiling the new me.
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