What if … Instead of … Because …!

What if I chose to stay?
What if I changed my mind?
What if I hung around?
What if I tried harder?

Instead of going all the way,
Instead of sticking to the image,
Instead of secluding myself,
Instead of waiting for things to happen,

Because I didn’t want the doting.
Because I didn’t want to dash their hopes.
Because it was too hard to see everyone move on.
Because I felt things would just happen to me.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride …
If I had another shot, would I do it the same again?
If I was a different me, would I have made different decisions?
If I took more control, would things have turned out differently?

But I’m calm and composed on the outside
And I’ve got my plans all laid out
But even the next step’s hazy
And is far from guaranteed
But I still hope and pray that it’ll all come together
And something’ll work out for my good
But sometimes it’s hard
And I really do try
But too much has happened
And a lot is yet to occur.

What if I quit instead of try because I’m too scared to fail?

Someone said I haven’t written anything in a while so I decided to put this up. With the ‘never-nearing-future’ we used to talk about getting closer than ever, a lot has been running through my mind. I’m usually not a poem person but right now that’s the only way I can express myself. I think I’m experiencing writer’s block in a major way – Its not even funny! 😦

Okay that’s all for now!
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Me – Unedited

I’ve wanted to write for so long and I can say I’ve been busy (which I have) or I ‘ve been tryna sort out my thoughts (which is true) or some other excuse (which probably has its origin somewhere in the truth) and I still don’t know what to write so I’ll let this flow.

I’m sorry for not having time for my friends lately, I’ve been too caught up in my own little world and too absorbed planning for everything that just might go wrong. I usually know exactly what to say – the right words are always at the tip of my tongue but lately I’ve been outta sort.
I’ve had to depend on people,
I’ve had to let go of control,
I’ve had to let people in,
I’ve had to show my heart.
I love to be needed – I hate needing someone but life has taught me it works both ways. I hafta need you, you need to need me so we can help each other and ‘relate’ like ‘ships’.. I’m not the me I used to be – far from it – yet I’m not the me I should be but I hope I’m getting closer everyday.

I try too hard to sound right now it sounds fake even to me. I try so hard not to let my feelings show it sounds forced even to me. I try too hard to remain unattached it sounds cold even to me. I try so hard to be different it sounds desperate even to me.

I try – This I do.
I guess I should just feel and let it flow …
I’ll try that – No I’ll do
And hopefully I’ve not sank too low.

I wanna believe in love – and happily ever after.
Okay maybe I do, just not for me,
It may happen who knows – then again I’m just another …
Another being, another case, another slave who’s been set free.

I believe in someday … I really do
I believe in family, I want kids too
I believe in love, I believe in two

Again I’m sorry if I’ve come across as strange to you, I’m trying to figure out what next to do, the next step to take and sometimes its not as easy as putting one foot in front of the next.

I’m not reading through before I post this – I hope its okay but then even if it isn’t its straight from my heart.

Ramblings …

I trusted – I loved – I felt too deeply yet I was betrayed
I cared – I defended – I invested all I had into it but what did I get?
I feel used – I feel fooled – I feel taken advantage of but it’ll fade
I was willing to bet you’d changed; that everything was over but lately I don’t wanna make that bet.

I wanna trust again but its hard
I wanna love again it hurts so bad
The fact that I let you get to me makes me mad
But right now I’d rather be mad than sad
You were more or less all I had.

I’m done feeling blue you have no clue
I can’t let my life be run by you
I think I forgive you, at least I hope I have
I won’t let my emotions because of you starve!

I’d be happy not sappy
I’d be glad not mad
I’d be merry and full of joy
And I won’t be a victim to your ploy
I’d be me, I’d be free
I’d go on a love spree
Just watch and see!!!

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