It’s almost September!! Yay 😀
Today’s post is another one in this being vulnerable thing. It’s about accepting love. I had a conversation with a friend recently about how I subconsciously brush off compliments. I literally avoid them because they make me feel uncomfortable and today the why clicked.
God made me understand that as loving as I can be to others and as much as I like to bask in His love, I’m still holding back from accepting love. Now note that I didn’t grow up in a broken home or an abusive home. In fact, my family looked like the perfect picture of love.
I’m sure you know there’s a but. Here it is: I had my trust betrayed by someone I loved and as much as I seemed indifferent about it, it affected my view of life completely. It was one of those ‘If you could do this, then who can I trust’ moments. My world literally came crashing down. It took me a while to restore my relationship with God as well because of this incident but since then I was scared to let people in. I remember telling someone that I had my heart locked in an iron chest chained with strong metal and thrown into the bottom of the deepest sea. Eventually, I got out of that phase but I never completely healed I guess.
It felt like an inconsequential hurt compared to those healing from sexual abuse and rape or physical abuse and abandonment or rejection and divorce so I felt guilty even thinking about it as an issue. I’m here to tell you now though that your pain is as real to you as the other person’s is and you need to heal too.
Another reason I guess it was hard for me to accept ‘love’ was because I didn’t know what it looked like really. I mean love from friends – beyond family. I felt it was something that was give and take by force. It is give and take quite alright but it is more of a voluntary thing. I felt obligated to give something once I received ‘love’ whether it was my money or my body or something else. To me, something had to go and I didn’t always have something to go. As confident as I appeared to be, I battled seriously with my self esteem.
I’m learning now, because I’ve relearned the love of God, that there is pure love out there and I can now start receiving it. I’ve learned about who I am in Christ and I’m confident in that. I’ve learned about love that loves me just because. Not for what I’ve done or even who I am but just because.
I’ve learned that there is love – without a catch.
No matter what your hurt is, you need to heal. It would always be a factor in the way you view love and sometimes how you give and receive it.
I’m still in process but if you need someone to talk to, dm me @ganaijachic
or send a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org
Happy New Month in advance.